How to turn the tables on Gregory House
by Links6
Summary: Yep, House finally found a patient that's just as bad as he is...Rated for... uh...safety? Please R


"How may I help you on this beautiful morning?"

~ "I just have a little bump behind my head… got it while surfing"

"Any confusion, headache or dizziness?"

~ "That _and _nausea"

House leaned his cane against the bed, "Dizziness is caused by the nausea… " he explained and checked the young girl's pulse. "It isn't severe. I wasn't knocked unconscious or anything. I haven't been irritable either" she said and crossed her legs Indian-style. "You always sit like that?" he asked and started tapping her wrist repetitively. The girl started grinding her teeth and lowly started shaking her wrist, "Yes…. Would you stop that?" she said and snatched her wrist away.

"Irritable. Put that on the symptom list… could possibly be a clot formed by the way you're sitting" House said and started checking her visual acuity. The young girl sighed exasperatedly, "Anybody would get irritable when you're doing that. I've never had clotting problems… How do my eyes look?" she asked. "Beautiful and pristine" he said and grinned. The girl tilted her head and cocked an eyebrow, "Are you flirting with me?" she asked teasingly. "Well, considering you have a severe concussion…. You probably won't remember, even if I do" he retorted, grabbing his cane. "And that means, even if I kill you, I won't remember and in court whatever I say would be inadmissible due to my technical amnesia" she said, waggling her eyebrows suggestively.

"I like you" House said after a moment and stood up, "I'm admitting you".

"Are you kidding me? I just came in for a checkup, not an admission" she said and pouted. "I don't want you tot run away. Makes it tough for me to catch you… bummed leg and all" he said and opened the door.

Six nurses, a sedative and MRI later…. "So you're Alice… sorry we couldn't finish introductions until after we scanned your noggin for permanent damage" House said and walked over to the side of her bed. "It's just a concussion… not a brain tumor" Alice snapped and scratched at the IV in her arm, "I could have told you that". The Diagnostician took hold of her hand and replaced it to the spot on her stomach; "No scratching the chicken pox until you're lathered in butter" he said and sat down in the chair opposite her bed.

"Is everything you say sarcastic, or is it just when you're hopped up on Vicodin?" Alice said and folded her arms behind her head. House narrowed his eyes, "How did you know?" he asked, checking to see if he had his bottle visible anywhere. "I'm psychic" she quipped. A moment of silence spread across the room before she relented, "Fine, fine, fine… I saw you when I came out of the MRI" Alice said and motioned her head towards him. "And the fact that your right eyelid ever so slightly twitch every time you lie kinda gave you away" Alice continued and twitched her own eyelid for added effect.

"If I tell you that I don't care… you won't believe me either, would you?" House said with a roll of his eyes. "You only care when somebody or something is worth caring about" the young girl said and rubbed her head gingerly. "Headache?" he asked, checking the morphine dosage on her IV. "Yes, oh ENTP of awesomeness" she said with exasperation.

"I prefer it when people don't slap me a profile according to the Keirsey or Freudian studies" House said and propped his feet up on her bed. "I didn't use Freud… besides, Insecurity manifests itself by hating the idea of losing sense of identity… that makes you right-brained" Alice said, grinning. "I'm logical and rational" he quickly retorted. "And you make judgments according to a non-sequential path of logic….", she said and wound a lock of her blonde around her finger, "Totally a right-brainer..".

"Schizophrenia and irrational behavior… Foreman would be so pleased" House said frowned and snatched her file off the side table.

"Oh good, so the people in white lab coats ARE out to get me and it wasn't just a hallucination" Alice said with a self-confident smile. Last thing she hears from him is the loud crack as the door is shut.


End file.
